while the paint is still wet

I feel really blue. If I had one little hoping to come close to his heart, I've just lost it.
In his personal message there are now the words I Love You, and I know that they're for her. I'm glad that he feels better now, I hope that it is so, but, as every time, I'm late.

Waiting for the peasant

Tea and I were always great confidants. I could understand what he said (even if it sometimes hurted) and he seemed to feel well when I listened to his problems. And he... he was fantastic, he was the only one who could hit the center of my thoughts even when I didn't know it yet. It took few minutes to solve my problem, by conversating with him for a while.
He never told me the absolute truth, at least not when it happened, maybe later, when it was passed.
First he did so because he didn't want to hurt me more than he already did. Later, because he didn't want me to meddle into his life. But he anyway had a special care with me, and after his periods of silence he stopped being distant and we got on well.

But it happened to him last year to knew this girl. He really got crazy about her, and I thought sooner or later his feelings would have been over (like other times). But from that moment he's no more spontaneous as in past. That girl, I think, didn't love him as he do and he could understand my situation. He asked me I could I love him without receiving any care in exchange. How could I continue to wait him?
(I did not properly wait him, I still had Lego and I was glad of how my life was going, loving little thing all around me, but we knew that he would have been for ever in a little, unapprochable, place of my heart). He was understanding me then, more than ever.
From that moment he spoke no more about his life.
When we chatted he was unemotional.Despite this, If I asked for his help, when I need someone to confess my troubles (which often were linked to him) he was available and lovable and he succesfully helped me understanding myself.

Once I was very stressed because of my training at the university laboratory. I worked there on a project I liked, but the behaviour of the teacher and his coworkers was awful and they didn't respect the statement of the university.
Anyway, I told him I was stressed and that I was burbling on stupid things as soon as I met someone because that made me relax.
He said that he was stressed too and I offered to listen his burbling, if it could him relax; but he explained me that men (or at least he) didn't need to spoke to relax. He said that they shut themselves away and reflect. Then, if nobody bothered them, it would go better.
From then on, if I felt him distant I simply said him goodbye and retried after some days. It worked.

But last autumn: the jam.
Some bad things happened to him. I'll tell that story another time, shift with this.
These thing were surely stressing for him, I told him he had all my support but I didn't force him to speak. I'm still waiting.
I start speaking only once per month, hoping he'd open up with me, but I always found him offish and of few words.
And I'm still waiting.
I'm trying to contain myself, I don't want to call him again, but I don't know if I'll manage to do it.

So I'm trying to write him a letter, a snail mail letter, in which I say that I'm waiting because I don't want to bother him, yes, but I want to be his confidant again. I can't stand the idea of being forgotten when he feels better. I'll neither tell him now how many times in a day he comes into my head, I only want to say that I'm here and always be, and I want always to keep in contact with, even if the things he says will hurt me. Does this situation not hurt me?
And evenmore, I need him as confident. This blog helps me, but I want him, it was so easy for him to dig into my mind and extract my troubles as carrots in a field... (what a poetic methaphor O_ò)
The only problem is that I'm never inspired to write in italian. It's my mother tongue, but I never feel able to exprime my real feelings, sometimes I found on paper words I don't even know as being thought by my mind!

I hope that I'll manage to write to him, beacuse only so this blog would be less heavy!

If I wanted to become a doctor, I'd studied medecine.

Resuming last post, the second thing I'm really hating day by day is that Lego always speaks about some desease.
I always hated going to old ladies' house and listening to her health problems or, that's the worst, health problems of every member of their family. That's what is doing Lego. I don't remember if he did it in past, and maybe it's me that in this period is intractable, but I can't stand it.
I try to show few interest when he speaks about his granda who has an urinary infection, his father who risks diabetes and must follow his diet, the daughter of the cousine of his mother (that's the real relationship) who can't have children (it's not a case of woodoo, I hope).
I try to make it short when he speaks about himself with all details of his skin alergies, his eyes pimples and every awful symptom, but he doesn't stop, even if we are at diner with our friends who show themselves evidently disgusted by the pus of his spots. And finally, if I have a little headache he judge me brainless if I simply go to bed instead of rushing to the hospital to doing a magnetic resonance.
I don't understand how could he continue behaving so, since he knows well that I hate medical subjects, above all after my degree in biotechnologies, achieved without any satisfaction.

Feed the birds

My boyfriend, Lego, sometimes bothers me.
In this period he practically always bothers me, whatever he says.
He always speaks about his family, and the family of the family, and the uncle of the cousin of the father of the godfather of his grandma and so on.
Sincerely, I don't care at all.
When we met, I adored him because I thought he was like me: devoted to his parents or some other dear one, but looking for his indipendence to leave them. I'm finding out that it's not so.
In my future I can see me alone, far from all my relatives (I don't like the place I live, while they do) and it doesn't frighten me.
Instead, he's already programmed to live near his parent's house, and he's really scared of spending his life without their help and support.

I'm only child, I'v never missed a brother or a sister: when I was young I made my own games with my hands, I found many ways to solve my little problems (like weaving cottonstrands to make bracelets) and I was happy. And it's the same, now.
I'm in a relax period, I'm searching for a job but it would last few months because I've to start my specialization at the university next september.
So I'm decating myself to all my hobbies: painting, learning languages, acting comedies, handcrafting paper and things like that. I'm often alone at home and I love this situation. You could say that I love it only because is a temporary status, but I don't think so. I feel really good when I'm alone and the thought of spending my whole life with someone gets day by day awful for me. I'm thinking it also about Tea, the one I seriously thought to marry, when I was younger. I'm not sure, even if I think I'll love him for ever in the deepest of my heart, that he'd not bother me like others do.
I see me in my future like those sweet old women who live in country, with cats (but I don't like them a lot, maybe I'll have birds) and flowers at the windows, and tell stories about their adventurous life to children. But I think that those childrens are not my grandsons.

The princess in the tower

My favourite thing is in absolute Travelling, and in the meantime it's the thing I do the less.
That's because I have very apprehensive parents and a too tender heart.
That's true, I'm sufficiently old to make my own way and I'm trying to do it. But I don't want to hurt them.
Last year some close friends of mine lost their mother because of a terrible desease, I was almost never at home due to my univesity and I realized that living every minute with my parents it's a treasure that many people can envy me.
Sure, I want my indipendence, I'd go away tomorrow if I had the opportunity, I suffer because I can't do whatever I want, neither staying away from home for two or more days for a trip. At the moment other countries seems to me reachable as other planets...
But I always hope they will understand my needs and they'll sacrify a bit of their tranquillity and let me go away.
The greater problem is that I don't know Why they married. I've always seen marriage as a trap, I've always known that my parents were still together only to grant me a classical family. My father always scold my mother for stupid things, sometimes threatening her. We maybe always knew that he'd never beat her, but everytime he menaced I wondered why she continued to stay at home.
Nobody knows deeply my family, neither me. Both of them always hid me past things and when I find out one of it I'm astonished...
And despite that I can't imagine anybody able to understand and making, slowly, my father reason out like my mum does.
He's not a beast like you can think after this description: it's a kind, intellectual man, he loves poetry and nobody will write me such wonderful poems; he loves arts in general, quite places, humbless and simplicity; he's a mathematic and he's interessed to science, so he must have also a good logic mind. But in some things he's completely blind and there's no way to let him understand. When he makes an own opinion about someone it's Impossible to change it.
And his bad opinion are now spreaded between some people of our family and of my friends. When you want to do something against his will, you can't ever and ever persuade him that his a good thing. Even my grandma (his mother) said that you must not say him the true, to do something you want.
My mother could be seen as a Lamb. She's one of the most correct and mild person I know, but she's so naive, and she often confesses some thought that my father doesn't like, she can't defend herself because she has not the cold and calculating mind of my father.
And me... I'm all their joy and their delight.
My father let me feel like a princess, every wish is granted for me, I'm a pearl, a little precious thing to preserve, and I can't feel down. Unless I want to leave home. (Of course, I go out with friends, without came home too late, I can go shopping and things like that).
The sad thing is that my only wish is to leave home.
And I can't go away, because when I do something bad, my father still treat me like a princess, but he let all his anger off against my mother.
I never ran away from home, like many teenagers do, because when I was little I didn't feel the necessity of doing it, I thought I was sufficiently happy here. I found a new world with Tea, and in the same period we (my parents and I) travelled through Italy for the first time... My father was terrified by incidents -and is still terrified by planes- and we never travelled before then. They neither let me go with school on trips, so I didn't know what I was loosing... when I was older I felt not so witless to run away, it seemed to me stupid.
From that moment I tried to let my parents accustom gradually to the idea of letting me go away.
I choosed an university I dind't like very much, only to stay out a lot of time and to use public transports (they were never ready to let me study in another region, so I choosed the farrest place reachable in a day). This choice quite destroyed me, but now I've got my degree and they are ready to let me go away for the specialization, in september -at least I hope it!-
In the meanwhile I'm searching for a job, but it must be linked to my degree, and I must say that's for having working experiences, not for money or indipendence, because if I say it, my father will understand that I make it for leaving them.
I feel I deserve to make a little trip (I never asked them anything, I never let them worry at night because I hate discos, I spend very few money and I help them at home) but at home there's no tranquillity. This means that a little sparkle could let my father explode against my mother.
I still think he's a kind of genius, and I think that in a genius can easily live a bit of madness, so I can't exclude that, if he's too angry, he could really commit something terrible toward my mother.
I am a peace maker between them. When I'm at home I bring quiet, when I hear my father angry I go there and, instead of scolding my mother, he goes out: when he comes back he's quiet and nearly happy. That's because I can rarely travel alone.
There are just few occasions to profit by: I must seize the day and go travelling when I feel my parents relaxed, and it happens only with a rare astral alignment!

Short Summary of Tea

I met a guy on an online community, six years ago. I'll call him Tea, for I'm Lady Grey...
I was a teenager, I hadn't any experience about love affairs (this doesn't means that now I have a lot of it!), but I was sure I'd never fall in love with a guy known on the web.
So we were just kidding when we talked about wedding and I was also engaged with a wonderful boy of my town. During the early months I told him sweet stupid things, just referred to the online role game, but I was thinking of my boyfriend. And he too, he loved flirting with me on the messenger, but I thought he was kidding like me. So, even if he was charming, his words only maked me smile.
I went away from my town for holidays (it was a new experience for me, I'll explain this next times), Tea tried to reach me because I was relatively near to his home, but he failed. From that moment I strated feeling that the idea of don't seeing Tea was sader that the missing of my boyfriend. I found that I didn't miss anybody, and when I came back home I had no lust for seeing them.
From that moment I wrote sweet things to my boyfriend taking inspiration from my new, unexplainable love. After a while I drop him off.

Me and Tea chatted till 5 a.m. every night, he opened me a new world with his points of view and I surprised him by showing my eternal happiness; he was also amazed of how I could understand his needs, I couldn't reach him, we lived far from each other, so I understood that he couldn't wait for me for too long time. I know someone could think that Love is strictly linked to Waiting, but he didn't think it, and neither did I. That was also my strenght.
He told me about all his girlfriends, I felt like dying everytime but after their relationship (and sometimes also During their relationship) he came back to me. I never felt like a supply and you could see it like a mistake, but I know he never lied to me and he really felt what he said. And moreover, every girl disappeared from his thoughts after a few time, while I was proud of being in his mind for five, long years.
Since the last year I don't feel him involved, he's passed a bad time and I've no more the spontaneous mood he loved, so I'm enable to confide in him and that's why I'm writing here.

I must add that now I've got another wonderful partner (let's call him Lego, there will be time to explain this too) who partially knows my feelings for Tea and he accepts them, and he falled head over heels for me. I think he's the best boyfriend for me but I'm too desperately tied to my past and my regrets to surrender.
Even if I'm no more the woman he wants, I still think about wedding Tea, one day.

New Adventure for Old Times

Hi to you all,
I'm starting this blog principally to improve my English: I've left it aside for too long time, persuading me that I'd remembered it well; Now I've a bit of spare time to refresh it.
Moreover, I'm in a blue period, surrounded by sad things and, since they're about quite secret things, I need someone to whom entrust my thoughts. (Fortunately nobody between my closest friends and, above all, my mother, has lust for reading an English blog, so I keep my finger crossed and I hope I'll leave not aside this blog too, like many other diaries I kept in past).
I'll leave here few personal informations, drop by drop, and I hope you'll appreciate them.
Critics about my behaviours and my grammar fantastical rules are well-accepted :p
See you soon!